Amity Talks to Women

What Works?

AMITY’S STRAIGHT TALK TO WOMEN

PART 3 – WHAT WORKS?

WHAT IS FEMDOM?
HAPPY DOMME
WHAT WORKS?
KINKS & FETISHES
WHERE ARE YOU NOW IN YOUR FEMALE DOMINATION EXPERIENCE?

Hopefully, you’re making a little progress establishing and touching your own feelings of dominance and exploring your partner’s submissive side. Perhaps you’re playing little games, using some key phrases in public that he knows your special meaning of or you’re having little daydreams with a sexual or sensual component.

Now it’s time to consider a few specific scenarios that help women grow to a comfortable level in their expression of their dominance. They can also show men with submissive yearnings how to create situations that will make their wives or partners comfortable as they continue on this journey together.

HOW TO RUIN A GREAT BEGINNING

A football field is 100 yards long and very often it takes multiple downs, passes, running, dodging, a few penalties and great strategy to get the ball in the end zone. Don’t think this game is any different. To achieve a relationship with a female dominant partner and submissive man, you will move forward, suffer a few setbacks and sometimes merely move laterally. Don’t try to throw Hail Mary passes on every play.

WHERE DO YOU START?

Begin literally at the beginning, and inside the bedroom is a wonderful intimate venue. I have a favorite expression, “At two in the morning, every woman is beautiful.” If you are shy about sex or “looking submissive,” then do it in the dark. Eliminating the sense of sight from your play may make the journey a little less frightening. And being in the dark requires greater touching.

WHAT WORKS IN THE BEDROOM?

With just a little preparation, you can start in the comfort of your own bedroom and explore with each other in a place that isn’t either frightening or anonymous, like a hotel room. (Some couples find that hotel rooms work wonders — the anonymity of it seems to give them license to be friskier than usual.)

These techniques are simply that — things I’ve tried and had fun with. Some are adapted from others’ suggestions but I have done each one. If you have suggestions for this section, click here and send them to me.

Using a trick I learned from a married Canadian kinkster who enjoys a rich and full adventure with his wife, I adjusted his suggestion and offer you one of my favorite games for folks new at wiitwd (What It Is That We Do).

Go to a sewing store and buy a bag of bells, the silver ones you might find sewn on Christmas sweaters. Get the medium sized ones, approximately 12 in a bag. Also buy a package of thin leather in the crafts section of the store. Cut the leather so that you can tie it around your partner’s wrist and ankle (you’re going to make four of them) and then add about an inch. Be sure to leave enough room to tie the leather in a bow around your partner’s wrist and ankle.

Slide a bell onto the leather and knot it. Then add two more and knot them. You should now have a strip of leather with 3 bells tied at intervals. Make the other three strips the same way and you’re done! Now, let’s use them.

With candles burning and the lights out and perhaps after a sexy massage, tie one strip to each of your partner’s wrists and ankles. Tell him the simple instruction, “Be still!” Now the fun begins.

Start stimulating him with your fingers. Rub his neck, chest, shoulders and arms. But here’s the trick! When you hear a bell ring, STOP! Wait until the bells are silent and then start again. You can keep this up for a long time and by the time you’re through, you’ll have a very turned-on male lying in your bed who is *so* ready for sex that his passion will surprise you.

EXTRAS: To add a little spice to this game, when the bells rings twice quickly, stop and sit in a nearby chair or on the edge of the bed and sip wine, or a soda, while he waits expectantly for you to return. If he moves, remind him to “Be still!” and say it a bit more forcefully. He’ll get the idea. And you’ll have an obedient man who has learned that doing as instructed gets him what you both want.

You won’t believe how much fun YOU will have watching him struggle to “be still.”

WHAT WORKS OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM?

You’ll find out quickly enough if he’s amenable to your new emerging sexual dominance and then you can move the games outside the bedroom. Your own home will fast become your personal playground. Remember that timing is everything, so don’t try any of this when he might be in a testy mood and do consider trying some of these ideas reasonably close to when he brings you flowers or goes out of his way to do something that makes your life happier or better. Positive and fast reinforcement works wonders at first. Later on, you can determine when you want to withhold reinforcement and how much “learning” he requires before he receives the gift of attention you alone can give him.

Every kitchen has a wooden spoon somewhere. When he’s emptying the dishwasher, preparing dinner or just standing there, tap his ass gently with a wooden spoon and watch his reaction. Is it playful? Does he give you that little “do it again wiggle?” If so, tap a little harder next time and keep the spoon handy for future use as a sort of reminder.

Did he forget to have your car washed? Ask him, and when he replies negatively, tap his ass with the spoon and tell him to do it now. Was he forgetful in contacting you that day to ask how you were? Use the spoon to remind him. In short order, that wooden spoon will become a symbol between you and if you merely hold it in front of him, he’ll realize that he has a job to do or was forgetful about one of your requests. Holding the spoon as a warning can be more frightening or educational than actually using it.

WHAT DOESN’T WORK?

Sometimes, things just don’t work. Figuring out why they don’t work is as important as remembering that asserting your dominance is a journey that has twists and turns. Using the football metaphor, try to make it a lateral and not a setback.

Generally, things “don’t work” if they are too fast, too soon, heavy-handed, scary, bring back bad memories, are timed badly, aren’t a good match for the people involved or are overdone.

WHAT’S TOO FAST?

Things are too fast if they jump stages, that is, go from gentle bedroom play to shrewish “domination” that takes the form of unyielding demands and worse, ultimatums. There are steps between these ends, such as the section above, “What Works Outside the Bedroom.” In addition, a man exploring his submission might be frightened that submission to his wife or lover suddenly means that he is there merely to perform household chores for her without any reward. Because the expression, “Serving A Woman” is so complicated, men need to be eased into what it really means. Initially, their fantasies might be entirely sexual and having entirely non-sexual demands placed upon them will shatter their personal exploration into their own submission. Initially, give him positive feedback and reinforcement, then see where you both are comfortable going.

WHAT’S TOO SOON?

It’s too soon to introduce the heavy toys of SM play. If you purchase a whip and show it to him, you could frighten him out of his socks and out of his submission. Toys have to be introduced slowly and carefully (See Section 4, “Kinks & Fetishes”). Toys are an integral part of wiitwd (What It Is That We Do) and there are several that you could consider at this juncture in your relationship that are non-threatening and fun. See these:

  • Sportsheets are fun to use and generally non-scary.
  • Cock rings are colorful, fun and invisible to others.
  • A leather leash can be used in the privacy of your bedroom and is one of those FCFs many men have.
WHAT’S TOO HEAVY HANDED?

Things are heavy-handed when they either jump stages or portray a fledgling woman dominant as a sort of “catsuit-wearing, whip-wielding, order-barking” caricature. In the initial stages of your journey, a man exploring his submission needs fairly regular positive reinforcement that his efforts and endurance are appreciated and valued. After all, he’s giving you something he’s dreamed of and fantasized about and his worst nightmare is that you’ll either reject it or abuse it. If you are heavy-handed in play, he’ll feel betrayed — that he gave you a great gift and you took it without cherishing what it took out of him to give it to you.

WHAT ABOUT BAD MEMORIES?

This is a very important and difficult area but one you need to understand before proceeding. Sadly, people have been abused, but I do not believe that their representation in the group that enjoys female domination is not any higher than any other area of life. If your partner has abuse experience, then I urge you to consult a professional therapist or counselor for both of you before embarking on any of these games or strategies. Adults who were abused as children can be emotionally fragile. You owe it to both of you to seek professional guidance before exploring female domination.

WHAT’S TOO SCARY?

In a word, whips. Most men who write to me tell me that they are “not into a lot of pain,” and the ultimate SM representation of pain is the whip. What this means to you is that when you add to your repertoire, be careful and slow about introducing pain toys or toys that conjure up severe fantasies. One thing you have to remember is that “pain with a purpose” is good pain, and many men long for that. Just introduce it slowly.

In addition, learn that toys that look like pain toys don’t have to be used to inflict pain. How do you know the difference?

  • Stay away from whips and cat-o-nine-tails at this juncture. (See more about them in Section 4, “Kinks & Fetishes.”)
  • Don’t use nipple clips/clamps if your fingertips work as well.
  • For those into spanking, use your hand first, then move up to an old-style wooden hairbrush (another FCF). There’s no need for paddles, belts, straps or similar yet.
  • Needles, piercings, brandings and medical games are terrifying to some people. Stay away from even discussing them at this place in your journey. (And make sure you know what you are doing before doing it “for real.”)
WHAT’S BAD TIMING?

Every woman knows what bad timing is. If you’ve had a stressful day, the kids made you crazy, there’s too much on your mind, the carpool called and you have to scramble — these are all indicators of potentially bad times to introduce new aspects in your journey or play. Fledgling Dommes (women who are growing in their female domination) often write and complain that their submissive husband or partner isn’t responding to what they are doing. One of the first questions I always ask is, “Did he have a bad day?” Sadly, too often they either can’t answer or haven’t even considered it. Later, you’ll learn how to use your female domination skills to help him relieve his day’s stress. (A good spanking can be a stress-reducer.)

One of your most important traits throughout this journey will be your empathy. Try to understand how he’s feeling and perhaps the play will have to be shelved for the day and in its place use some good old-fashioned hugging and holding.

WHAT NOT A GOOD MATCH?

The wide variety available in the types of sexual play that fit into the female domination umbrella means that you have to be picky and choose the ones that fit your partnership. If your partner has a Governess fantasy, he may not find nipple clips to be a desirable form of play. (Although, in the future, you can work toward having him endure your desires in spite of his own reluctance. Just don’t do it too soon.) If your partner wants to become a Service Submissive, or one who attends to your bathing, pedicures and massages, then bringing leather restraints into your play isn’t a good match. Perhaps his fantasy is to be Spanked or Flogged. If that’s the case, then concentrate on those aspects of your play initially and move beyond them when the time feels right to you. Don’t force a man who wants to be spanked to do things that don’t at least include spanking as a reward or punishment, at least at first. (See Section 4, “Kinks and Fetishes,” to understand these fantasies in greater detail.)

On the other hand, let’s say that he wants to be, say, spanked, and you prefer that he wear a leash and follow you around. You do not have to give up your fantasy just to satisfy his. Assert the growing dominance inside you and make the two fit together. After he’s been leashed and served you as you want, spank him as a reward, or better yet, find a slight fault with his service and spank him as punishment.

Be creative. If your submissive is good with words, have him keep a journal of his feelings. You might discover an unspoken “match” that provides him with an enjoyable yet submissive task and affords you a set of written memories of your exploration.

WHAT’S OVERDONE?

Variety is the spice of life and of Female Domination. It can be exhausting to provide continuous new ideas, games, creative strategies and newness in your play with your partner and being the Domme can be tiring. Yet it’s important to accomplish a healthy balance between (1) things that work well and should be explored more deeply and (2) things that make your experiences fresh and new. For example, suppose your partner has a kink for being spanked. You spank him (remember, spanking is one of the most common bedroom games) and he wants more. So you spank him again — and again — and again. After a while, either you become tired of it or it loses its intrigue for him. In this case, spanking should be used as a reward or punishment, depending on your mood, but in the same manner you offer desserts to your children, that is, infrequently and with discretion.

The same goes for other games that you two might play. I make lists of things I want to do to insure that my play is rich and varied and never becomes stale. Because I might play with different partners, it’s important for me to remember what I did with that partner, what went really well or what just didn’t work. Keeping that record will help you when you want to repeat an activity that provided both of you with an exhilarating time or avoid one that flopped. (We all have flops!)

If you are monogamous, then you might keep notes in your head and be able to repeat fun activities successfully. I keep both mental and written notes and sometimes read them simply for enjoyment. And with written records, you have a good outline or script to pull out when the mood — or the partner — appears.