Amity Talks to Women

What is Femdom?

Amity’s Straight Talk to Women

Part 1 – What is Femdom?

Female domination does not mean kinky sex, pain or leather clothes

I can’t tell you how much email I receive from men who seek a dominant female partner.

It’s overwhelming — the number of (usually) married men who have feelings of sexual and/or psychological submissiveness, very often the absolute opposite of what they do in their everyday lives, who contact me either to learn how to “make my wife domme me” or worse, to seek that domination from me. For at least ten years, I’ve received plaintive pleas from sincere submissives who are unable to find an outlet for their own submission in their real lives.

“How do I get my wife/lover to domme me?” is the most often-repeated question.

All too often, they dismiss outright the possibility that their own wives or lovers would take on a dominant role. It isn’t even imaginable for them that their most trusted partner and lover would “do this” for them.

I believe the problem is caused by several misperceptions:

  • Not knowing what a dominant woman really is
  • Fear of communicating honestly with their spouse
  • Inability to figure out how to introduce a woman to what female domination is
  • Unrealistic or scary photographs, stories and websites about “FemDom”

The following are my responses to each of the above points.

Not knowing what a dominant woman really is
A dominant woman is one who knows what she likes and eagerly takes the steps to obtain and enjoy those things. Many women are dominant in business, but not in the bedroom, while others express their dominance more sensually. Some women show their dominance in multiple aspects of their lives and interactions with others. As evidenced by the men who write to me, an assertive, dominant partner is what many men seem to want — both sensually and sexually. For some men, it goes beyond that sensual level and they seek a woman who dominates or controls a variety of facets of their lives outside their intimate relationships.

Fear of communicating honestly with their spouse
Many men are terrified to open their submissive feelings to their wives and I understand their fear. Will she interpret it as an emotional breakdown? Might she wonder if he’s having an affair? Will she be scared that he is an “Internet addict?” Not knowing what she will do with his heartfelt admission is certainly understandably scary to a man who is otherwise “dominant” in his everyday life. If you love your husband, be very careful not to dismiss his needs without reading and learning and be sure you at least are supportive of the very real trust he has just put in you by even mentioning his submissive side.

Inability to figure out how to introduce a woman to what female domination is
Female domination isn’t a single thing. It’s not expressed in a singular fashion. “Femdom” is complicated, multi-layered and hard to define simply and easily. It is something unique to every couple who practices it. How to bring the multiple layers of what female domination is to a woman who has probably never considered it is a complex, but surmountable task.

Unrealistic or scary photographs, stories and websites about “FemDom”
There are many websites out there, my own included, that bring visual and written images of female domination to web visitors. If a woman with no experience in the female domination lifestyle is shown those images or introduced to the wrong stories (for starters), then it’s likely she will be terrified of what her spouse wants from her. When a man has harbored submissive feelings for a long time, he is farther along the path than his unwitting spouse is — he has to remember that and bring her “into the fold” very slowly.

If you love him, then read this section and see if any of it applies to you. Remember, if he asked you to look at these pages, then he is putting his trust in you. Don’t let him down.

WHAT MAKES UP FEMALE DOMINATION?

Borrowing the categories outlined so well from spectrum, there are three essential components of understanding female domination, which is part of What It Is That We Do: intensity, intimacy, and illumination. Let’s look at each:

INTENSITY

A woman with powerful creative or sexual urges knows the intensity of those feelings. Men who call themselves “submissive” can share the intensity of feeling, but express it differently. The dominant woman and man (or submissive woman) are two parts of a relationship that expresses each’s intense feelings and powerful urges and drive. I don’t believe a woman can be a dominant unless she shares that with a submissive partner, whether he is in boardroom or the bedroom. Dominance is, in my opinion, a partnership – – a relationship – – and is expressed through mutual actions.

Women who do not touch their own sexuality or feel in touch with their creative energy may be missing a large part of the potential of their lives. Within every woman is a deep passion that longs for expression. It is up to her, in large part, to find it and touch it and allow it to be free. Having a partner who cherishes that side of her always helps.

Amity’s Straight Talk to Women is a four-part series. Click each to read more.