Amity’s Straight Talk to Women
Part 2 – Happy Domme
Dominant women do not all wear leather, wield a whip or call men debasing names. For some women, that image is so frightening that the entire scope of female domination is beyond her ability or willingness to explore. Dominant women do not usually live in 24/7 (twenty four hours a day, seven days a week) FemDom relationships. Dominant women are normal people who find psychological, sensual and sexual joy in touching certain feelings inside them and allowing them to surface.
If a woman explores her dominance and isn’t happy, then she’s headed down a destructive path. Being a dominant woman should bring you happy feelings that are creative, assured, confident and comforting. And if you don’t keep a sense of humor about all of this, you’re missing the fun.
THE MYTH ABOUT DOMINANCE AND PAIN
Let’s take a moment and talk about pain. When many women see photos or read stories about inflicting pain on men, they are turned off immediately and cannot comprehend why anyone would ever want to hurt someone she loves. First of all, female domination is NOT ABOUT PAIN. Although some men enjoy a certain amount of discomfort within sexual play, please get the idea of a leather-clad, bustier-wearing, thigh-booted Hollywood Dominatrix out of your head! This isn’t what female domination is; this isn’t a picture of what goes on in most bedrooms; this isn’t really what your spouse or partner wants from you.
Pain is one of those intriguing stimuli that most people like to look at but not feel in real life. Don’t allow the pictures of painful experiences to cloud your ability to look past the photograph and see what is really driving your own dominant feelings or the submissive side of your husband or lover.
WHAT ABOUT MY PHOTOS AND STORIES?
Although many of my stories and a large percentage of my photos can be categorized as extreme, their intent is to titillate and entice — to be a sexual turn on that loving partners turn into a stimulus for creative, assertive, aggressive and great sexual and sensual experiences between themselves. A marriage and family therapist once told me that she used “porn videos” as aids to married couples. When I asked why, she replied, “Why shouldn’t married people have great sex lives?” It was an answer that stuck with me and my stories and photos are offered more as a catalyst to great sex and enhanced relationship between loving people than they are for their shock value.
Simply, don’t try this at home just because it’s on my web site. You have to pick and choose and find the simple activities that feel good and right to both of you, at the outset, and then learn how to create your own unique style.
What too many submissive men who want dominant partners don’t realize is that sexual domination is a process that takes time to develop, explore and share with a willing – – or eager – – partner.
I urge you to give that process time, start slowly and grow together.
Exploring female domination is a process with stages that apply to both the male and female partner in the journey. Because every couple is unique, there are no hard and fast rules to follow that guarantee success. Instead, read through the process and take those parts that fit you and your partner and use them. Perhaps one day you will return and take even more parts of the process as your own as your relationship develops and grows. But your relationship is NOT diminished by starting slowly and building.
I have three rules when talking about dominance and submission.
Nothing replaces communication. Nothing precedes communication. Nothing stops communication.
If you can’t talk openly to your lover or spouse, then none of this will ever work for either of you and he will continue to try to find an outlet for his submission somewhere else. The biggest danger of not being able to communicate that I see is that one partner may seek the fulfillment of his or her desires outside your relationship and we all know what sort of disaster that can be. Yet I see so many men exploring their submission online that I’ve become alarmed at the frightening level of non-communication between otherwise loving partners and the fear of talking openly to the person who shares your life.
Men who seek relief or exploration of their submissive fantasies with “online dommes” can wreak havoc with themselves, their marriages or relationships, and in some extreme cases, with their professional lives.
So many men write to me and dismiss outright the ability to share their submissive fantasies with their wives. Whether they claim she will see it as “sick,” or “warped,” or “unnatural,” doesn’t matter. What I hear over and over and over again is the refrain, “My wife won’t do that. She would never understand. I can’t tell her.”
This saddens me — that professional men in their mid 30s, 40s and 50s who have established themselves in the world cannot find the courage or the trust to talk to their wives or lovers openly and honestly about something so important to them. In some cases, I’ve learned that they are men who are simply trying to experience some online fun and masturbate to an image of a dominatrix. However, many others are sincere in their desires and can’t even imagine finding an outlet for their pent-up yearnings at home.
It’s up to you — the wife or lover — to create an environment of trust for him in which he can share with you what he is so willing to share with me. If you haven’t learned how to talk about serious and intimate issues, then either throw your hands up and give up, or learn how to communicate. It’s never too late.
If you can’t find the words, then learn how to talk to each other without words.
Women can enjoy sex and certainly seem to like the intimacy it brings. Why not initiate it? If you like it, why don’t you more more of it or a new way of experiencing it? Why not participate in it a little more aggressively?
One of the first steps in communicating without words can be as simple as grabbing your partner and having sex with him (being “taken” is an FCF, or Fairly Common Fantasy, men have). And use silent communication as a tool.
When you are making love,
- Take his hand and put it where you want it
It sounds easy enough and it is. If he’s rubbing a part of you that doesn’t do anything for you, move his hand! Place it where it feels good and show your enjoyment with a happy little moan. He’ll get the idea.
(A note to women approaching or in menopause: you know that the ‘same things’ as before don’t do it for you now. Isn’t this a good time to try creative ways to foster that old feeling again? He needs to learn how to please you now and this might be a great way to bring a little physical pleasure back into your lovemaking.)
- Stop him when you’ve had enough
If he’s stimulated you one way enough, then stop him. Pull his hand away or put it somewhere else. Better yet, put *your* hand somewhere it’s not been in a while. The surprise, as well as the assertive way you place your hand there, will invigorate him.
- Make him do what feels good to you
The simplest thing a woman can do to impart an assertive feeling in traditional or “vanilla” sex is to introduce her partner to the secret things that make her feel good. Do you enjoy clitoral stimulation? Then take out your vibrator and hand it to him! Guide his hand where you want it and show him how to drive you wild with a toy you probably already own. (See the next tab for toy suggestions.)
- Let him know when you’re pleased
So far, I’ve encouraged you to tell him what you want without words. Now, let him know that his actions please you and make you feel good. Moaning is great feedback. A single groan is music to his ears. Not only will you let him know that you’re having fun, but also you’ll spice up your sex with a little happy noise. The sounds of sex are a symphony! Enjoy them.